Archive for September, 2009

Not enough Tylenol in the world

Wednesday, September 30th, 2009

My head hurts.  My brain has turned malignant against my eyes, and I think my hair may be growing inward on my scalp.  Apparently it is now worthy to mention the sex life (or lack thereof) regarding two supposed reality TV stars.  I highly doubt they are stars; I just heard of them about ten minutes ago surfing CNN.com.  Apparently, there are people in the world known as Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag, and they got married earlier this year; many happy returns.  Spencer tells CNN (Fuck only knows why they are listening) that he and is gorgeous wife aren’t having sex.  You may ask why?  He doesn’t want her to get pregnant.  Dude, did your balls fall off?  Of course, I can think of few people less suited for parenthood than the two of you, but damn….  I can’t imagine denying a hot woman such as Heidi Montag ( upon discovering her existence and potential hot-ness, I did research the woman, and she is fucking drop-dead gorgeous) sex.  Hell, my brain shuts down just contemplating it.

He goes on to attack another hot reality TV personality, Lauren Conrad (whom I also like parts of), saying that she only quit her excuse for a TV show to get more money, and was jealous that Speidi, as I believe it’s called, was gaining more popularity than her show.  So, they are arguing over who can garner more hopeless viewers into watching their sad lives where they deal with problems that no one in their right mind gives a shit about.

Spencer, you are a pussy.  I honestly think this is some kind of desperate media ploy to raise your own fucking ratings. If so, then you are just pathetic.  If you ask why I’m writing abut you if I think you are so pathetic and insignificant (and I do), two reasons. 1.  Sheer boredom and 2.  Hopefully by writing down the shit that pisses me off, it will escape my brain, and this acute headache that started as soon as I read that shit on CNN.com will go away.

Heidi, if he won’t fuck you, I will!!!  Chicago, babe.  That’s where it’s at.

Same goes for you, Lauren.

CNN, do you remember the days of respectable journalism?  Think back, but make sure you take plenty of rest breaks, and keep some Midol handy for any cramps, but I think you might get there in a month or so.  Why in the fuck are you reporting on this crap?  The only thing you’ve accomplished is getting me all pissed off.  Why the hell do I want or need to hear about some douche bag who has a hot wife that he’s NOT sleeping with?  That’s like having the cure for cancer and not using it!!!  What the fuck good does that do in the world?  You guys are assholes.

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Posted in Unentertainment | 1 Comment »

Some ideas for new iPhone apps

Tuesday, September 29th, 2009

I read an article about an app for the iPhone that locates sex offenders within a 10-mile radius from any given address.  I’m not ripping on this app, nor any of the other crime-fighting apps on this device, such as the one that lets you avoid high-crime areas.  They don’t suck.  I’m just wondering how they would advertise that…

Let’s say you wanted to know if there is anyone in the area who might kidnap your child, murder them, and then sodomize their dead body over and over again…there’s an app for that.  Probably a little too on-the-nose.

As these apps get more and more bizarre, I can only wonder what the next ones will be….

Let’s say you need to make a quick getaway after robbing a bank, and need to locate a jet-pack…there’s an app for that.  Or maybe you are lonely and need the love of a good hooker…there’s an app for that.  Or perhaps you need to locate some Kryptonite to defeat Superman…there’s an app for that.  Perhaps you want to find the best way to assassinate a world leader…there’s an app for that.  Maybe you need to get your hands on some blow before the voices in your head tell you to butt-fuck a rabid squirrel…there’s an app for that.  If you are Ichabod Crane, and need a weapon to defeat the Headless Horseman…there’s an app for that.  Perhaps you are stuck in a mental hospital, and need to find the best way to escape…there’s an app for that.  Maybe you run a cult, and need ideas on how to convince as many people to kill themselves as you possibly can…there’s an app for that.  Or you run a sex-trade operation, and you need to know what cops you can bribe…there’s an app for that.  What if you are cheating on your wife, and need a restaurant to take your mistress to where your wife won’t find out…there’s an app for that.  Perhaps you just killed someone, and need a dry-cleaner who won’t ask questions about blood stains on your shirt…there’s an app for that.  Let’s say you’re running naked through a public area, and need a route to hide where the cops won’t find you…there’s an app for that.  Say you are Luke Skywalker, and need to see the plans to the Death Star so you know where to shoot your proton torpedoes…there’s an app for that.  What if you are an Egyptian pharaoh, and need to get a big-ass pyramid built quickly and cheaply…there’s an app for that.  And finally, let’s say you have grown so sick and tired of these lame-ass commercials for the iPhone and its apps, have subsequently lost faith in humanity and want to kill yourself…there’s probably an app for that too.

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Posted in Adverse-tisement | 1 Comment »

Ain’t no sex in the champagne…errr…dorm room

Tuesday, September 29th, 2009

Tufts University has issued a ban on sex in a dorm room while the other roommate is there.  Wow.  Just saying that sentence out loud makes my asthma symptoms flare up, and I don’t even have asthma.  What the fuck are they thinking?  At what point did the powers that be sit down and say, “We have a major problem with students fucking in their dorms while their roommates are there, and if we don’t stop it, the college will collapse upon itself,”?  Furthermore, some jack-ass was seen on CNN saying how he thinks it’s a good thing, and it’s a step in the right direction, like it’s some fucking major political issue!!!  Somehow, if Tufts University could stop people from fucking for an audience, then the racial issues in this country would disappear, and health care would be flawless!!  WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE????  How is this a step in any direction other than an exercise in dumb-ass futility?  Why in the fuck is it so important to crusade against fucking for a goddamn audience?  How is the value of only fornicating behind closed doors going to help us as a nation?  WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING HERE?  WHO THE FUCK SEES IT AS SUCH AN IMPORTANT ISSUE TO SHOW THE REST OF THE WORLD THAT WE ARE A WHOLESOME PEOPLE WHO ONLY ENGAGE IN SEXUAL CONGRESS WHEN WE ARE SURE NOBODY’S WATCHING?  Honestly, is the next step going to be that we can’t have sex unless we seal ourselves in a bomb shelter and go through a rigorous checklist to ensure our privacy?  That’s too much effort to get laid.

We all know you don’t just start screwing in front of people who aren’t screwing, especially if they haven’t screwed in awhile, because when they see you screwing, they get pissed off.  They haven’t screwed anything (except themselves) in awhile, and then they see you screwing, and they start to hate you for it.  They may sit there calmly and just let you do your thing, but in their mind, they are picturing you being high-fived by Osama Bin Laden while you sport a new found love for devil-horns, Hitler’s mustache, and L. Ron Hubbard books.  Besides, if youre going to fuck in front of someone who’s hard up for a lay, you’re just an asshole.  Come on, man.  Don’t be that guy.

Now, there has been a long- upheld tradition of the tie-on-the-doorknob in college.  Let me translate for you.  If you come home one night, and there is a tie on the doorknob (hence the name), then your roommate is in there, and they are fucking around with somebody, and you should fuck off for awhile.  One of the main rules of friendship is that you never get in the way of your friend’s pursuit of that sweet ass.  In fact, you should help you friend to the best of your ability.

Alright, jackass from CNN’s report, your ass is going down.  You are…you know what, you’re too easy.  I’m not going to go through the few seconds of video I saw of you and systematically destroy your self esteem, because my heart just isn’t in it.  I would be going through the motions, and I owe whoever stumbles across this site higher quality than anything you have to give me.  Just do me a favor: GET LAID!!!!!!  God damn son, get laid and relax for fuck’s sake.

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Posted in What the fuck? | 1 Comment »

Olympic fight to the death

Tuesday, September 29th, 2009

Apparently, President Obama is going all-out to bring the Olympics to Chicago in 2016.  Cool.  I live in Chicago, and have not gotten to take part in this kind of event before.  If he is successful, it would certainly be one of the coolest things I’ve seen in my short life.

The coverage, and some of the comments about the campaign are mildly disturbing though.  I’ve read that, according to the First Lady, the “gloves come off”.  What the hell is that supposed to mean?  Are they going to go cloak-and-dagger and “disappear” the opposition?  Are they going to influence committee voters by breaking the legs of anyone who doesn’t agree?  Are they going to have a gladiator-style fight to the death to decide the winner?  Are they going to use the Jedi mind-trick?  How the fuck do the gloves come off in a campaign to bring the Olympics to Chicago?

This issue doesn’t really piss me off to any extent, but nevertheless, the wording of it seems just silly.  Gloves come off….  I am all for bring the Olympics to Chicago, or any U.S. city.  I think it would give the economy a tremendous boost that is desperately needed.  Granted, that boost would not show up for seven years, but it would still be nice to have.  Maybe it will also disillusion some of those who think we have nothing else to do but tell the Middle East how to run their region.  Maybe this will help shed some of the traditional U.S. stereotypes that the extremists seem to be completely willing to swallow up.  I would like to think so.

What I really don’t get though, is why in the hell the wording is what it is; like I said, I am not pissed off at the issue.  I am pissed off at the rhetoric used to describe the campaign.  What’s wrong with saying, “We will do all in our power to bring the Olympics to the U.S. in 2016,” or, “It is of high importance to us that the Olympics come here,”?  Why in the fuck do you need to go with a black-bag phrase such as “the gloves come off”?  That’s just a dumb-ass way of trying to demonstrate serious intentions.  Seriously, it sounds as though the guys in black helicopters are going to be following around members of the Olympics committee, while guys wearing leather jackets and wielding pipe wrenches are waiting for them in an alley somewhere.  And if all else fails, Master fucking Yoda will show up and with a wave of his little green hand, Chicago will be the site of the 2016 Olympics.

Bring on the Olympics.  It would kick ass if the Olympics came to Chicago, but just choose your words better.  If you mean the gloves come off, then pull a character out of a fucking Tom Clancy book to get the job done.  Jack Ryan and John Clark seem to work pretty well.

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Posted in Politi-crap | 1 Comment »

I almost feel bad…but I don’t

Tuesday, September 29th, 2009

ATTENTION:  JESSICA SIMPSON’S DOG WAS KILLED BY A COYOTE, AND SHE’S NOT DEALING WITH IT VERY WELL.  APPARENTLY, WE ARE SUPPOSED TO FEEL REALLY BAD FOR HER.

I read this while standing in line at the supermarket.  It was on the cover of Us Weekly.  I’m not sure what’s worse; that the dead dog is the straw that broke the anorexic camel’s back, or that Us Weekly thinks that this is newsworthy.  Let’s start with the dead dog thing.

Apparently, she can’t lose weight.  Yeah, you can see the problem here.  She is obviously unhealthily obese, not smoking hot at all.  Wait, I think I got those flipped.  She is obviously smoking hot, not unhealthily obese.  Yeah, that makes more sense to me.  Is she shoveling down deep dish pizza and chasing it with buckets of Crisco?  I doubt it.  And she can’t stop crying.  Yeah, well, I don’t really have an answer for that one.  Pretend you’re Peter Pan and think happy thoughts, I guess.  Jesus, I lost pets too; hell, I had to give up my favorite dog when I was 13.  I got over it, and here’s the kicker: it only took a couple of days. Tell me an adult has more emotional capabilities than a 13-year old.  Please.  Fuck, recently I buried my best friend from growing up.  Maybe it was easier on me because he didn’t get killed by a coyote.  No, he just fell down some stairs sleepwalking, leaving behind a wonderful wife and child.  If that’s not a reason to go into a self-destructive, downward spiral, I don’t know what is.  I don’t doubt this is hard on the poor girl; I would suggest drying her eyes on a one-hundred dollar bill.  Damn.  Just damn.

Now, I point my verbal rifle at Us Weekly.  Are you people fucking serious?  Find something better to report on.  Honestly, isn’t there some celebrity somewhere who killed a hooker somewhere that you can bother?  At least that would be somewhat entertaining to me.  Jesus Christ, how badly must it suck to work for you?  Do your intestines open up a little more each time you cash a paycheck?  Just the thought of possibly earning one cent from you people makes me want to gouge my eyes out with a rusty spoon.  If there is one thing I hate more than the bitchy, little complaints of celebrities, it’s the people who work their asses off to report their bitchy, little annoyances.  Use your magazines for the only possible use that they will ever come to: use them as kindling to burn your building the fuck down.  For good measure, drive stakes through the hearts of the board of directors, in order to ensure their undead excuses for souls do not survive the inferno.

Yeah, the Us Weekly thing pisses me off the most.  Congrats, assholes.  You are the biggest pain in my ass at the moment.  Well done.

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Posted in Pop culture rants | No Comments »

An issue so moronic I can’t even come up with a catchy title

Friday, September 25th, 2009

Two words.  Under God.  They are, at least I think they are in the Pledge of Allegiance of the United States.  That may have changed in the last five minutes.  The zealotry on both sides has honestly driven my brain into recession.  Neither side of my brain can successfully communicate with itself, let alone with its counterpart.

One side of the issue is claiming that “under God” should be removed from the Pledge, citing the argument that not everyone in this country believes in God.  Valid point.  I know there are such things as atheists; I am friends with a few.  Most of the ones I know are pretty open-minded; they follow a live-and-let-live dogma.  I believe in God, but I have no religion.  I don’t believe in organized religion.  Who the hell has the right to tell me how to practice what little faith I do have?  There are so many arguments for not believing in God, so I’m not even going to pick one and systematically destroy it; once I do one, I’ll have to go after all of them, and I don’t have that kind of time.

Speaking of believing in God, the other side of this issue is fighting tooth and nail to keep these two little words in the Pledge, apparently believing that the whole world will crash down upon its pillars if this country decides to show God this small offense to appease the militant atheists.  These people tend to follow the right-wing conservative stance that justifies everything by slapping a “Jesus Saves” bumper sticker on anything they ever try to do.  I’m pretty sure that most of the things these “good, old-fashioned, pure-of-heart-and-mind” people get themselves involved in would piss God off to an almost unimaginable end.  I am amazed there hasn’t been another smiting, one of which would rival the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah.  The New Testament shows the son of God being kind to lepers, and bringing salvation to harlots, sinners, fornicators, etc.  Practice what you preach, assholes.

Back to the whole “under God” thing.  The sheer fact that I find myself discussing this makes me see red flashes.  Is this really a major problem in America?  Did I pass out, and our economy climb out of the shitter?  Are we no longer at war?  Are America’s children not being made completely retarded by pop culture when not being subjected to ever-worsening school systems?  Is health care more affordable?  Do we have a better energy policy?  Is our two-party system of government drowning in a sea of ridiculous bullshit?  If this happened, then it’s news to me.  Better yet, if even one of these things happened, I would probably be running bare-assed through the street singing at the top of my tar-ridden lungs.  PAY ATTENTION, I’M ONLY SAYING THIS ONCE:  WHY THE HELL DON’T WE SOLVE THESE MORE PRESSING AND MUCH MORE IMPORTANT ISSUES BEFORE WE WORRY ABOUT THIS SHIT?

Seriously, when I was a kid, the only time I said the Pledge of Allegiance was in grade school, and I was to young to know what I was actually saying, let alone give a flying fuck.  If people are so worried about what their kids are learning in school, then just don’t fucking send them.  Plain and simple.  Shelter your kids, and never let them experience any other points of view.  God knows they will never, ever, in all their lives, run into someone else with a slightly different point of view.  For fuck’s sake, do your parental jobs and put what they see or hear in perspective.  Honestly, you people are just as bad as the ones who blame things like Columbine on Marylin Manson or violent video games.  It’s your job to draw a line with your kids, not the school system.

I’m not blasting any one side of this issue; I am going after all of you.  Get the fuck over yourselves.  Get your heads out of your asses, and put a small percentage of the energy you spend on this pointless issue into solving a serious problem.  I’m sure you all think that this is a serious issue, and when you’re done parading under the flag of self-righteousness, you go on and pick another issue that is just as “important”.  Give me a fucking break.

I can’t make sense of this.  I simply can’t.  The level of idiocy here is, well, it’s just beyond me.  You know what I really think?  This country needs less religious-based legislature.  Whatever happened to basing our political ideas on what is best for the country as a whole, rather than trying to appease one special interest group at a time?  Separation of church and state applies all the time, not just whenever the hell we choose to apply it.  Use your fucking brains for once and let some of the little shit go.

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Posted in Religious Jack-assery | 3 Comments »

Dear Kanye, nobody cares what you think

Friday, September 25th, 2009

Kanye West has been called a genius, lyrical mastermind, and a voice of a generation.  FUCK YOU!!!!  If this asshole is the voice of my generation, then I should probably see if I can falsify my birthday so I don’t get lumped in with the rest of the fucking aliens.  If that’s not possible, well, I do own a belt and sleep near a ceiling fan….

You want genius?  John Lennon, Bob Dylan, Robert Plant, Harry Chapin, Cat Stevens, Gordon Lightfoot, I could go on and on.  These are true artists, true musicians, not guys just taking recycled beats and throwing as many slang terms into the song as they can fit into a four minute time slot.  They played instruments, not drum machines.  They are legends, Kanye is just another flash in the pop culture pan.  These guys are still remembered and influence what few great musicians that we have recording today.  Kanye influences those who are influenced by only money and what is cool this week.  I have to hand it to him though, I enjoy watching women dance like strippers to his tunes; nobody gets naked to Hurricane or Stairway to Heaven, at least not anymore.

But what really pisses me off about Kanye right now is this incident involving one of Kanye West’s many acts of jack-assery.  The man walked on stage during the MTV Video-Music awards during Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech for best video, stole the microphone and proclaimed that Beyonce’s video was better.  What a fucking asshole.  Now, I have no real ties to pop culture, in fact I think it’s all a bunch of horse shit.  That being said, I am not a Taylor Swift fan (I like parts of her, but her music is not one of them), nor I am a Beyonce fan (same rules apply), but goddamn.  To Kanye West: Nobody in their right minds gives one rat’s ass what you think, let alone pointless subjects such as the winner or should-be winner of a VMA.  The only thing you took a stand against is a mass of easily-led people who have given up most of their ability to think for themselves.  The only time you aren’t a fan of pop culture is when it does not bend to your will.  Get over yourself already.  Though tragic, I am sure, your grief over your mother’s death (as I have heard from a few places) is not the cause for this ridiculous display.  I should hope you can find a better way to mourn her than by acting like a dumb-ass at an awards ceremony, particularly in a category that you are not even remotely involved in. Do not misunderstand me, I am not trying to bring your mother into this.  That would be completely irrelevant, not to mention completely tasteless.   Sincerely, DeadEndPrint.com

Now, honestly, the next time I hear that Kanye West is a genius, lyrical voice of a generation, or any other over-exalting title, blood may come pouring from my ears.  The man has been recorded as saying something to the effect of, “The only regret I have about my career is not being able to watch myself perform live.”  I can’t find the exact quote, but I assure you, that was at least the gist of it.  Lyrics such as, “I ain’t sayin’ she’s a gold digga,  but she ain’t messin’ with a broke nigga,” are just downright mindless.  The rest of the song clearly states that yes, she is in fact, a gold digger, but it’s cool, because he has money.  High five, dude.  You like money, you have money.  We get it, and we don’t care.

Seriously, is this giant ego-thing he has going on just a publicity stunt, or is he really stone-cold fucking nuts?  What the fuck is going on here?  What the fuck is it going to take to get this man’s ego back in check?  Surely it’s not going to be some insignificant prick (i.e. me) blasting him on a blog, but fucking seriously!!!  Kanye!!!!  Get your shit together!!!!  GET THE FUCK OVER YOUSELF!!!!!  YOU ARE NOWHERE NEAR AS IMPORTANT AS YOU THINK YOU ARE!!!!!  You can ask yourself that if you aren’t as important as I think, then why am I writing a blog about you?  Because you are a dumb ass.  I can’t be kind about this.  I hold Beavis and Butthead in higher esteem than I hold you, and that’s all I have to say.  This may seem harsh to some of you reading this, but I don’t care.  This is the way I see it.  You hate this?  Fix it; shut me up.  Don’t feed me any more shit to write about.

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Posted in Pop culture rants | No Comments »

DISCLAIMER:

Wednesday, September 23rd, 2009
By entering and reading the posts of DeadEndPrint.com, you hereby acknowledge the absence of the conventional thought process.  This is not going to be some underground militant blog, just some website with the twisted thoughts of a man gone mad.  If you read something on here that pisses you off or offends you, I would suggest you not return, because I will probably piss you off again.  I make no apologies for my writing, and I make no excuses either.  The only prejudice I have is against idiocy.  The purpose here is simple: Offend those willing to be offended, entertain those willing to be entertained, and occasionally provoke an intelligent thought or two.  By the way, there’s no way in hell that I’m going to get my facts right all the time.  If I get something wrong, let me know in whatever manner or mood suits you.  And, for God’s sake, this is called DeadEndPrint.com for a reason.  It’s a DEAD END.  Don’t ask me to have an answer, because I don’t have any.  I will give you problem after problem, but I’m about as close to solving them all as anyone else–nowhere fucking near it.  If there is something you want to hear my opinion about (God help us all) drop me a line and I’ll look into it, but I do have other things going on in my life, so my response may not be within your timetable.  If that suits you, great.  If not, tough shit. Don’t be expecting me to post insightful debates over very serious issues of the day; I’m just going to find something that pisses me off and make fun of it until my head caves in. Look for more of my bad news here soon; I try to post one or two a day, but don’t hold me to that–I have other shit to do also. That’s enough for now. Keep an eye out for my first REAL post. Maybe it will be good; maybe it will suck. Tune in to find out; same fun time, same fun channel. That’s all for now. Bye bye.

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