Dead End Print

Tufts University has issued a ban on sex in a dorm room while the other roommate is there.  Wow.  Just saying that sentence out loud makes my asthma symptoms flare up, and I don’t even have asthma.  What the fuck are they thinking?  At what point did the powers that be sit down and say, “We have a major problem with students fucking in their dorms while their roommates are there, and if we don’t stop it, the college will collapse upon itself,”?  Furthermore, some jack-ass was seen on CNN saying how he thinks it’s a good thing, and it’s a step in the right direction, like it’s some fucking major political issue!!!  Somehow, if Tufts University could stop people from fucking for an audience, then the racial issues in this country would disappear, and health care would be flawless!!  WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE????  How is this a step in any direction other than an exercise in dumb-ass futility?  Why in the fuck is it so important to crusade against fucking for a goddamn audience?  How is the value of only fornicating behind closed doors going to help us as a nation?  WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING HERE?  WHO THE FUCK SEES IT AS SUCH AN IMPORTANT ISSUE TO SHOW THE REST OF THE WORLD THAT WE ARE A WHOLESOME PEOPLE WHO ONLY ENGAGE IN SEXUAL CONGRESS WHEN WE ARE SURE NOBODY’S WATCHING?  Honestly, is the next step going to be that we can’t have sex unless we seal ourselves in a bomb shelter and go through a rigorous checklist to ensure our privacy?  That’s too much effort to get laid.

We all know you don’t just start screwing in front of people who aren’t screwing, especially if they haven’t screwed in awhile, because when they see you screwing, they get pissed off.  They haven’t screwed anything (except themselves) in awhile, and then they see you screwing, and they start to hate you for it.  They may sit there calmly and just let you do your thing, but in their mind, they are picturing you being high-fived by Osama Bin Laden while you sport a new found love for devil-horns, Hitler’s mustache, and L. Ron Hubbard books.  Besides, if youre going to fuck in front of someone who’s hard up for a lay, you’re just an asshole.  Come on, man.  Don’t be that guy.

Now, there has been a long- upheld tradition of the tie-on-the-doorknob in college.  Let me translate for you.  If you come home one night, and there is a tie on the doorknob (hence the name), then your roommate is in there, and they are fucking around with somebody, and you should fuck off for awhile.  One of the main rules of friendship is that you never get in the way of your friend’s pursuit of that sweet ass.  In fact, you should help you friend to the best of your ability.

Alright, jackass from CNN’s report, your ass is going down.  You are…you know what, you’re too easy.  I’m not going to go through the few seconds of video I saw of you and systematically destroy your self esteem, because my heart just isn’t in it.  I would be going through the motions, and I owe whoever stumbles across this site higher quality than anything you have to give me.  Just do me a favor: GET LAID!!!!!!  God damn son, get laid and relax for fuck’s sake.

Tags: CNN report, sex ban, Tufts University