Archive for October, 2009

These guys are really dumb….

Thursday, October 29th, 2009

This is a good one.  There are two jackasses in Iowa who tried to break into somebody’s house.  That’s not all.  They were arrested.  There’s more.  When they were arrested, they still had their “disguises” on.  You know what their disguises were?  They hastily colored their faces with black magic marker.  I’m not making this up.  I haven’t done the required drugs to come up with this crap.  What the hell were they thinking?  Who in their right minds thinks that’s a good idea?  These kids are my age for God’s sake.  They make me ashamed of my generation.  These two offend my sense of human decency!!  These people are just so damn stupid!  I’ve got their mugshots, and posted them here.Dumbasses

See?  I told you.  What the hell is going on here?  They should have wrapped their heads in plastic wrap before breaking in; the effect would have been the same.  They would have been identified just as easily, the only difference is that they might have suffocated.  I’m not too sure that would have been a bad thing.  These two are individuals who should never, under any circumstance, procreate.  I would sooner accept the extinction of the human race, rather than let the surviving humans be sired by these fucking imbeciles.  Seriously, where the hell did the Iowa school system go wrong with these two?  I am confident that I will never take residence in Iowa, let alone raise children there.  I would not subject my offspring to anything remotely similar to what happened to the goddamn martians.  What I am wondering is, who is responsible for the existence of these two fools?  How the hell did two pairs of humans manage to raise these idiots?  The only pairing imaginable that I could see producing such nincompoops would be some kind of mentally challenged baboon mating with a low-level fungus.  The only thing left to say?  Damn.  Just damn.  That’s it for me, dudes.  I’m getting out of here before I have a stroke.

Community Outreach…hehehe

Wednesday, October 28th, 2009

In an effort to help out those who have not visited this site (i.e., shamelessly promote this site without giving any real help at all) I have stumbled across something that I would like to share with you.  The question doesn’t make me laugh, but my response does :-) …hehequestion 1answer 1I’m such an asshole, I know.

New from Mattel, Tramp-Stamp Barbie!

Wednesday, October 28th, 2009

Parents everywhere can be the hip, cool ones by buying their daughters the Barbie doll that comes with tattoo stickers that can be placed anywhere on the doll’s body.  That’s right.  Your daughters can stamp their own tramps.  But don’t freak out; it’s only make-believe.  Yeah, and while I’m lying to you, there’s no such thing as AIDS, and I am the greatest athlete this world has ever seen.

No bullshit, Mattel has put out a line of Barbie dolls that include a pair of tattoo stickers that can be placed anywhere on the doll’s body.  I saw a clip of Barbie with a tramp stamp.  I’m not kidding.  Because we have way too many positive role models for girls today.  You know, like Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Lady Gaga, you get the point.  Mattel states that they will not pull this high-rolling hooker off the shelves, claiming that it inspires girls to be creative.

Also, the doll comes with two temporary tattoos, for the girls to apply to themselves.  I’m not going to knock tattoos; I have one myself.  But, I got it when I was 22, I paid for it with my money, and it in no way makes me look like a whore.  But damn, when a guy sees a woman at a bar, and there is a tattoo on the lower back, right above the pant-line, we all get the same idea.  Whoever gets closest to the center wins.  I wonder if, joining the Tramp-Stamp Barbie, we will see Meth-Head Barbie, or Crack-Whore Barbie.  How about Bar-Skank Barbie?  That one is kind of catchy, because of the alliteration.  Maybe we’ll see Porn-Star Barbie, or better yet, Girls-Gone-Wild Barbie!  Comes complete with jello shots, pink trucker hat, and Mardi Gras beads!  Self Esteem not included….

Well, I don’t really know what to say about this one.  I simply can’t find the words.  I want to, because I’m sure they’d be hilarious, but I can’t.  Figure out the ending for this one on your own; I don’t have the energy to do it for you.

Say it ain’t so, Andre!

Wednesday, October 28th, 2009

In Andre Agassi’s upcoming book, the tennis star drops one hell of a bombshell.  He reveals that he lied to tennis authorities about a failed drug test in 1997, claiming now, that he used crystal meth.  He goes on to describe the rush that he got from crystal meth, elaborating about how he would go and completely clean his house, right down to the ever-daunting task of making the beds.  Wow.  From that description, crystal meth just sounds like the professional maid’s performance-enhancing drug.  Now, I’m no idiot; I know crystal meth makes your teeth fall out and shit..  I just can’t understand why people do drugs that make them want to clean stuff.  It boggles my mind.  The withdrawal symptoms must be a bitch, because I have never, ever in my life, woken up one day and said, “FUCK YEAH, LETS CLEAN SOME SHIT!!!!”, so why in hell would someone do this drug?

Seriously, Andre?  Crystal meth, man?  Why?  You were such a good boy!  I would have expected this out of McEnroe, but not you!!  You know the only thing that brings me comfort out of this situation?  It’s tennis, so nobody cares.

Umm, really? Did this actually happen?

Monday, October 26th, 2009

A man in Virginia has been charged with indecent exposure for making coffee in his kitchen naked.  The kitchen of the place that he has a legal right to be making coffee in.  He was naked, making coffee in his own kitchen, and somebody was walking past with their kid and saw him making coffee in his kitchen.  I just can’t get over this.  This is ridiculous.  I guess the moral of this story is that you are not allowed to be naked in your own home unless you are absolutely sure there is no one able to watch you.

So, it is a crime to be the victim of a voyeuristic act.  Wow.  I never thought that I would see the day where being naked in my own home may be a crime.  I guess I will buy a bunch of cut-off shorts and wear them like underwear all day, every day, until I forget what my pecker actually looks like.  Yeah, that is a much more healthy way to deal with this situation.  The main thing I’m concerned about is how I’m going to get rid of my bodily waste, since I’m apparently not allowed to be naked in my own home?  Or is there a bathroom clause in there somewhere, provided the bathroom has no windows and the door has a medium-grade security system on it?  Perhaps they market some sort of intricate, pelvic plumbing system to remove the unwanted excrement while still preserving your non-nudity….  I wonder what they’re going to do about newborn babies, being that they are born naked, and since a woman’s uterus doesn’t seem to engineer Dungarees.  It didn’t perform this function the last time I checked; although it’s been awhile since I was prenatal.  I guess the new mothers are screwed as well, since a baby usually pops out of the woman’s vagina.  I can’t imagine Roto-Rooter coming up with a device to extract a newborn from those tight-fitting Gap jeans; the poor kid will probably suffocate in there anyway.

Are you fucking kidding me?  What the hell happened to this world?  Since when is it okay for some asshole to look in on me while I may be doing God-knows-what in my birthday suit?  Not just okay, but illegal on my part?  How dumb is that?  How in the name of almighty hell did this charge actually get filed?  I am fairly confident that this charge will get thrown out.  That’s not the point.  The point is that some jackass actually called the police on a man making coffee naked IN HIS OWN KITCHEN!!!  Unbelievable!!  That makes about as much sense as filing charges against a woman for eating a hot dog, since it almost always looks sexy when they do.  Or how about some pervert looking through a window and catching a mother breast-feeding her child?  Is that mother going to get prosecuted too?  By the looks of things, probably.  That being said, I need to lie down before my head caves in.  I think the neurons in my brain are leaking out my ears.  Remind me to find a rusty spoon to remove my eyes with.

Coming soon to DeadEndPrint.com…Pretty, Pretty Pictures!!!

Wednesday, October 21st, 2009

Okay folks, still riding my Red Bull high from five minutes ago.  I am currently in the process of developing some artwork for these demented publishings of mine, and am probably going to put as much effort into it as I do writing the words that we used to call a healthy blend of English and profanity.  Meaning, I’m going to fuck around with something until it looks good enough for passing.  Be patient with the artwork; I am kind of a perfectionist.  Yeah, I actually think about the shit I post, which is a little fucking scary, I know.  Anyways, there is no timetable for any artwork.  It is going to be on a whenever-the-fuck-I-get-it-done basis.  Look for pretty pictures that will no doubt singe the tips of your retinas soon, along with the first documented image of the elusive pigeon-goat.  The End…for another five minutes.

Correction

Wednesday, October 21st, 2009

It has come to my attention that I have published something erroneously.  In one of my posts, I referred to a creature as a goat-pigeon.  I have been informed that the preferred nomenclature for this stupid creature is actually pigeon-goat.  I sincerely apologize to the noble pigeon-goat, and all pigeon-goat enthusiasts out there who were so offended by my misprint that they had to get attorneys involved.

Not really, I made all that up.  Except for the part about it actually being called a pigeon-goat.  That has a nicer ring to it.  This is why you don’t drink a bunch of Red Bull, because you stay up until 5:oo in the morning and make up shit like this.  Presenting, your brain on drugs.  Doo dah, doo dah.

My e-mail to the Westboro Baptist Church

Monday, October 19th, 2009

Here’s the e-mail I sent the folks at the Westboro Baptist Church.  I thought I should share it with you.

I am 23 years old, heterosexual, and raised a Christian.  Doesn’t that sound lovely?  I have my share of problems, and I don’t always do the right thing.  I am human after all.  But here’s the thought that I had for you.  YOU ARE WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS COUNTRY.  Your prejudice and intolerance are staggering at this point in time.  Your ridiculous displays are what interfere with us actually progressing as a nation. And if you can prove any of your so-called “air-tight” cases of how you are right and I am wrong, I would be glad to listen, for instance, how do you know Matthew Shepard is in hell?  Can you show him to me?  For that matter, where is hell?  I can’t find it on Google Maps.  That must be the fault of the fag-enabling media of this country, right?  I don’t care whether this gets a response on your ludicrous blog or not, I just wanted you all to know just how sick and angry your bold ignorance makes me.  I’ll see you in Hell.
Regards,
Dave
www.deadendprint.com

Couldn’t resist dropping my web address in there :-)

God hates you, assholes

Monday, October 19th, 2009

I have discovered a form of intolerance that I literally did not believe to exist.  There is nothing funny about this one.  There is a “church” that protests all over this country behind the flag of religious justice, targeting the gay community.  The web address of www.godhatesfags.com pretty much says it all, and any self-respecting human being would save themselves a lot of energy by steering clear of the homophobes.  This one self-respecting person decided that this can’t be as bad as they make it sound.  Let me tell you, it is.  These assholes have published less religious teaching and more gay-bashing under the guise of the right hand of God than I have ever seen.  It reminds me of a well-known political party in Germany back in the 1930s and 1940s.  I wish that comparing them to Nazis would piss them off, but they will probably love me for it, since they hold Jews in the same esteem.  This is an absolutely mind-boggling spectacle of ignorance.  This is the embodiment of everything that is wrong with the world.  They have posted articles on their website, one showing the face of Matthew Shepard bouncing around in the flames of hell, and another with the tagline, “Thank God for 6 dead soldiers, let us pray for 6000 more,”.  These motherfuckers believe that they are the last hope for the nation  Let me tell you, these people are what is WRONG with this nation.  The simple fact that these stupid fucking pigs are out wandering the streets, “saving souls”, as they call it, well, I wish it were illegal.  But, freedom of speech is why I’m here, and it is why they are too.

The blog page reads more like the postings found on failblog.org.  I love failblog’s work by the way; it is very entertaining.  I wish these accursed individuals had any entertaining quality in their publications, for I would not feel as though precious time has been stolen from me that will never be returned.  These people take e-mails from people, berate them for whatever damning character flaw they are deemed to posses, and then throw out a bible verse or two in a vain effort to prove their point.  I will say this, their grasp on the bible seems tenuous at best.  It must be nice to pick and choose whatever verse they can find to prove their point, never mind the fact that there is a verse in the bible that is going to say the complete opposite of the one they’ve picked out.  You know, I think I am going to e-mail them; it would be interesting to see their twisted sights of how I live my life as a so-called “fag-enabler”.

I can’t believe these people are serious.  I really can’t.  The intolerance literally makes me sick with rage.  I have friends who are gay, and I have friends who died while serving their country.  Oh, I almost forgot to mention my thoughts on their prayers for more dead soldiers.  Unbelievable.  Granted, I am against the war in Iraq.  I am not against the troops.  I am all for the troops.  They have put their lives on the line, some of them never coming home again, for this country.  Anyone who belittles their efforts should be ashamed of themselves.  They should be put on a fancy yacht and left to fend for themselves in the seas near Somalia.  Let the pirates have them, and then we’ll see what they think of an organized military.

This church is led by Fred Phelps, and he is crazy.  He is stone-cold fucking nuts.  This guy has been disbarred in Kansas for his behavior in a courtroom, and every single politician is distancing themselves from him.  No politician wants anything to do with this asshole, doesn’t that tell you anything?  This guy is a living Adolf Hitler.  I wouldn’t be at all surprised if his skin fell off to reveal the Fuhrer himself.  Seriously.  Not one bit.  The rest, well, it’s all been said and done.  The man is an absolute jack-ass.  I’m so pissed off I can’t write anymore, I’m going to smoke.

Excersie in futility? There’s an app for that

Sunday, October 18th, 2009

The new iPhone app, created by Pepsi to market their Amp energy drink, is being attacked by women’s rights groups, claiming that the app is sexist.   This app lets guys choose from about a dozen stereotypes of women, the app offers pick-up lines for each stereotype, and lets you post you conquests up on a scoreboard.  I don’t even know where to start, but I’ll try really, really hard.

Let’s first go after the women getting pissed off about all this.  Guys compete with each other over everything!  Goddamn, why the hell don’t you get that?  It ranges from how many horsepower our cars have, to how many women we’ve slept with!  Fuck, get the fuck over it!  If this is degrading to anyone it is the men that this app panders to!  Good lord, if you don’t want to be objectified, then just don’t be a fucking whore!!!  It’s that simple!!  We are going to pit our numbers against each other for as long as we live, nothing is ever going to change that!!  Yeah, it’s pretty fucking sad, but it’s what we do!  We let you be crazy in your own ways, let us have ours!

Now, to the dudes who are using this app, get a fucking life.  Seriously, you need a fucking iPhone app to figure out pick-up lines to get laid?  Damn, what happened to the days where you needed your own mojo to get ass?  Fucking Christ, is this app going to tell you where to stick your dick if you actually get a girl dumb enough to fall for this shit?  I should hope so, because you can’t seem to do anything else on your own!

There you have it.  Does anybody pick up what I’m putting down?  This world has become too sensitive for its own good.  People need to stop taking offense to every little thing that crops up.  Also, people need to find more important things to discuss than how many notches we have on our bedpost.  This world is getting dumber by the minute, and I think I’m growing a tumor.  I’ll be back after I’ve located a good oncologist.