Okay, not his whole life. Just the time since we found out about Tiger’s numerous mistresses. This guy has more chicks on his dick than I have dollars in my bank account. Now, that’s not saying much, since I only have about nine dollars in my bank account, but you get the idea. I have been seeing shit about this for almost three weeks now, and I’ve taken some time to reflect on the impact this has on my life.
Tiger Woods is easily one of the most recognizable athletes on the planet. He has more money than white blood cells, and a supermodel wife. The guy has more endorsement deals than the U.S has bankrupt corporations. He has risen to the top of his “sport”, and there is no one who can routinely compete with him. Now, he can barely walk down the street without bumping into some girl he slept with. He is apparently about to be divorced, and is losing some of his fat-ass endorsement deals. I look at his life, and all that has happened to him in the last couple of weeks, and I have come to a conclusion: I must become the next great professional golfer. I am single with no kids, so it wouldn’t matter how many women came forth claiming that I laid their sweet bodies down by the fire. I don’t have a family to destroy, so fornication not quite morally reprehensible; it just makes me a skank, and I’m okay with that. Women could literally be coming out of kitchen cabinets, falling from the sky, climbing out of dumpsters, etc. They could all claim that I slept with them, and that would be just dandy, provided I don’t pick up something from the venereal disease menu. I enjoy not having herpes, and I’d like to continue enjoying that. But honestly, I never thought I would see the day when a professional golfer would get more ass than Mick Jagger. It absolutely confounds me. I am more perplexed than when I saw Howl’s Moving Castle. That movie was confusing as hell. Don’t ask me what possessed me to watch an anime movie. I was being a wing man for my best friend, and the chick he was trying to violate with his weiner date at the time wanted to see it. That movie has the most confusing ending I have ever seen. it had storylines being concluded that I didn’t even remember them setting up in the movie. Shit was literally coming out of left field. I needed binoculars to see where some of this shit came from, and I still couldn’t see where they were bringing this shit in. Much like Tiger’s garrison of vaginal temptresses. You need a fucking cruise ship to fit them all on. At least a party bus. And let me tell you, a bunch of horny hot women loaded on a bus? Sign me the hell up.
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