I have reached a point where I’ve almost snapped. I’ve had it. I can’t take any more of this “Gaga Law” shit. This is a Facebook fan page for Lady Gaga (that singer who may or may not have a dick), or rather her latest “song”. The first time I saw this page, I dismissed it as the latest thing all the kids are into these days. the second time I saw it, I actually clicked the link to see what the hell it was. I have to admit, since the title was written like a mathematical equation, I thought it might actually be something cool or interesting. But I was fucking wrong, wasn’t I? I saw this abomination to internet staring me in the eye. I stared at the page, unable to remove my gaze from it. It was only after about an hour of staring at my screen (without blinking) I got the feeling that I should go smoke a cigarette. It’s probably for the best, because the ferocity of my gaze at this monument to human excrement might have caused my screen to either melt or explode if I had continued.
Just like that, it was gone. I didn’t see it for nearly a month. In retrospect, that was one of the most peaceful months of my life. But, it would not last. I started getting bombarded with requests to become a fan of this farce. I stopped counting after the first two dozen. I would like to think my friends would know me better than to suggest that to me, but apparently not. This has led me to one conclusion: Lady Gaga is some kind of goat-demon, and must be stopped.
I had the unfortunate experience of actually hearing the song this refers to recently. Good God, man. That is worse than the song about all the girls standing in the line for the bathroom. I can’t fault it for not making sense, because it is not words as I know them. It is inane blather. I don’t think that Lady Gaga is talented enough to come up with original gibberish, so I’m pretty sure she stole it from someone in a mental hospital, which I imagine she frequents. If not of her own volition, then because it’s court-ordered. If it is original, then I must congratulate all the fans of this song. You have given up hope for anything meaningful in your lives, and no longer want to actually think about anything at all. You want a song that sounds like it was written by a cheerleader strung out on heroin. This is the saddest day in pop culture’s entire miserable existence.
Where the hell did she come from, and how the fuck do we send her back there? Is is like some sort of demon-exorcism? How did we get rid of Madonna? Can we do that again? Honestly, what the fuck did the rest of us do to deserve this? This is a plague upon the land. Here are some factoids that you should consider if you think I’m overreacting:
1. When you play Lady Gaga’s music backwards, you can hear the first chapter of Dianetics by L. Ron Hubbard. If that weren’t scary enough, here’s another.
2. Every time you play a Lady Gaga song, a hungry alligator is fed. With a live puppy. So, if you like Lady Gaga’s music, you hate puppies. What kind of sick bastard hates puppies?
So, before you chuck another helpless puppy into the gaping mouth of a starving alligator, think about what you’re doing, and remember the REAL Gaga Law:
Tags: alligator, dianetics, equation, Facebook, Gaga Law, hell, hospital, insane, L. Ron Hubbard, Lady Gaga, mental, music, puppy, scientology, sucks
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