This is just precious. This story is one of those few gems that I have come across where, once I’ve read about it, I want to take it and lock it away in a giant vault, or bury it away in the bottom of a mine shaft so I can keep it safe forever. Here’s what happened. Actor Rip Torn, of Men In Black and Dodgeball, was arrested this weekend after being found in a bank, highly intoxicated, and in possession of a loaded revolver. Wow, that’s some wild fucking night. Now, I’m no stranger to alcohol; in fact, if I had a dollar for every time I’ve gotten drunk and done something off-the-fuck-wall, I’d be pretty damn rich right now. That being said, I never, ever, in my life, ever got the idea to strap on some fucking firepower and go manage my bank account. That is the stage of drunk you reach just before you have to grab the grass to keep from falling off the earth. So, in conclusion, I say kudos to Rip Torn. You have set the standard for drunken idiocy, and you should probably get a goddamn medal or something. I don’t want you to feel bad about wandering into a bank with a loaded gun, even though you probably should. Well, feel bad, but you should at least get a high five out of this fiasco.
Archive for the ‘ News ’ Category
A Wild Night Out With Rip Torn
Monday, February 1st, 2010Gay marriage bans actually keeping Satan at bay?
Friday, January 22nd, 2010What I’ve read in recent hours has taken my breath away. After I got through the scotch-induced haze that ruined my afternoon, I stumbled across an article regarding the gay marriage issue in California. Proposition 8, the voter-approved ban on gay marriage, has gathered numerous supporters across the state. The article assembles a few key factoids that I thought I should share with you. The first is that supporters of the gay marriage ban “insist they oppose same-sex marriage to preserve the traditional definition of heterosexual marriage, not to discriminate against the rights of gays and lesbians.” You know how much sense that makes? None. At all. I don’t know much about the supporters of Proposition 8, since I try to put as much distance between myself and ignorant crazies as I can, but I have determined that they have one hell of a comedian writing their material. Who the fuck comes up with something like that? If you translate that sentence from crazy-bullshit-political-jargon into modern English, it reads, “We don’t want to oppress you, but we’re going to do it anyway.” I think this was paraphrased from the handbook on passive-aggressive bigotry, published under the title, How To Oppress People While Disguising The Fact That You Are A Complete Tool By Pretending You Have A Boner For The Good Old Days, brought to us by Prejudiced Asshole Publishing.
I’ve heard all the arguments before, at least I thought I had. I was shocked to discover that there is a man in California, William Tam is his name, who has gone on public record as saying that legalizing gay marriage is the first step in legalizing polygamy and pedophilia. He actually likened sex between two consenting adults of the same gender to molesting a child. Who the fuck is this guy, and how long has he been off medication? Do the pod people know this guy is here? Speaking of pod people, the reason we haven’t found life on other planets is because aliens take one look at this asshole and go, “Earth? That place where everybody hates everybody for logically warped reasons? Fuck that, man. Let’s just have a kegger on Pluto. Those Earth fuckers don’t even consider Pluto a planet anymore.”
That wasn’t the most frightening argument this pillar of ignorance had to offer. He said, in open court, that lifting the ban on gay marriage would leave the state vulnerable to Satan. If that is true, then I apologize to the gay community, but you can’t get married. Your state already has its hands full with Lady Gaga, I don’t think allowing another evil goat-demon of a fallen angel to run amok would be a good idea.
You know what I think the Proposition 8 supporters should do? I think they should start calling themselves a philanthropic organization. They are already trying to masquerade under the guise of sanity, and that sure ain’t fucking working. Why not try a new approach? If they claim that they are looking out for the best interests of the gay community by saving them from the inevitable misery that marriage causes, they might actually get somewhere. Seriously, all people talk about when they speak of marriage is fucking misery. Why do gays want to sign up for that?
I don’t really get what the big deal is about this issue. Then again, I don’t get a lot of things. But of all things that are far beyond my reach, this one might just be the furthest. What confuses the few brain cells I have remaining is how these people can actually say they aren’t trying to discriminate against gays and keep a straight face. Imagine if the KKK thought of that argument during the civil rights movement. Every time I read that fucking quote, my bullshit radar lights up like a goddamn Christmas tree. In fact, when that quote is on my screen, the pungent odor of horse feces begins to emanate from my screen and offend my nostrils. Being a heterosexual, this issue does not have any influence on how I live my life. However, I don’t see how we can call ourselves a great nation when we still discriminate the way we do.
Dear Natalie Portman, I think I love you….
Friday, December 11th, 2009Dear Natalie Portman,
I recently read that you are starring in and producing a movie title, “Pride & Prejudice & Zombies”. I’m not a fan of love stories, but if you throw zombies into the mix, I am all about that shit. This might be the most awesome idea in movie history. I know it’s based on a book, but still, I fucking love the idea of bringing it to my picture-box that brain-washes and sedates me. Mmmm, mindless entertainment. It’s like electronic bacon. Besides the fact that you are insanely hot, this is one of the coolest things to come out of Hollywood in my lifetime. Natalie, I think I love you.
The Reverend
P.S. I’m not stalking you or anything like that…just thought I should clear that up before anyone gets the wrong idea.
The Real American Smokeout
Thursday, November 19th, 2009Okay, so today is the Great American Smokeout, a day in which the American Cancer Society challenges smokers to quit for one day, in hopes that we will quit forever. Sounds to me like the person who came up with this idea probably wasn’t a smoker. Quitting smoking is hard enough without having to hear some jack-ass tell me that it’s time to quit. I will quit in my own time, thank you. I am proposing an alternative. I have noticed in recent years that the smoking population has been facing discrimination for our habit. Most people would argue that, since we choose to smoke, that it isn’t really discrimination, since we could stop if we wanted to. I call bullshit on that right now. Smoking has been banned in workplaces and on airplanes. I’m okay with that. I don’t want people to be forced to sit near me when I’m smoking if they don’t like it. That’s not what I’m trying to accomplish. Restaurants. I don’t mind when people smoke around me when I eat, but I know people do, and I’m okay with that. But dammit, they have pushed us out of bars. Bars are places that serve alcohol, and cater to a crowd of ADULTS. Adults, who have the right to leave if they don’t like the atmosphere. This is the part that makes me downright sick. Nobody goes to a bar to do anything healthy in the first place. Besides, there are usually no children in a bar (and if there are, you are in the wrong kind of bar). I am sick of being pushed outside and treated like a lesser person because of how I choose to relax.
Here is what I propose. If you are a smoker, then hand out a smoke or two to random people you see during the course of your day tomorrow. If you are a non-smoker, but agree that smokers have the same rights as anyone else in this country, do the same. Smokers, smoke a cigarette today for freedom. Non-smokers, if you are fed up with this bullshit legislation that tells bars how to run their business, sport a smoke on your ear for the day. I urge all people, not to be a prick about this, but to make others aware of this tyrannical law. This aggression should not stand, but it is. I am not trying to bring Joe Camel back; I just want a beer and a smoke again.
Sex causes amnesia?
Wednesday, November 4th, 2009There is a couple who had sex back in 2008. I know, I was shocked too. Seriously, they had sex. Cool, huh? Alright, enough. Stop laughing perverts. Well, they had sex, and the woman got amnesia from it. That’s the funny part. She knew who she was, but she didn’t know what day it was, how she got where she was, who the president was (granted it was 2008, so I would like to have forgotten that too), or anything. She lay in a hospital bed, cracking the same jokes over and over. According to research, she suffered from from something called transient global amnesia, or TGA. The woman recalled having a headache the night before, and after that, “apparently, the next morning, [her] husband and [she] had intercourse. From what [she] found out, there was an orgasm.” No shit. That’s usually what happens when you have sex. Somebody usually has an orgasm. At least what it said in my fifth grade science book.
Okay, as far as amnesia after sex goes, that dude is a god. If I were him, I would feel like a freaking bad-ass! That is ridiculous. Holy crap! That’s is talent! For the single guys out there, I can;t imagine a greater gift than getting freaky with a woman, and then forgetting all about you. You wouldn’t have to do that whole awkward thing if you never want to see her again. You know what I’m talking about. When you see her at a bar and are praying to any deity who will listen that she won’t notice you, but does, and you have to do that, “Oh, hey…,” and play it off. Damn, that sucks.
Honestly, sex after amnesia is pretty common among males. After sex, we forget that the woman is still in bed. We forget that we wanted anything from her, we forget that we even had a conversation. Sometimes, we forget her name! Don’t look at me like that, it has happened to almost every guy out there, so don’t look at me like I’m some kind of insensitive asshole. I know I am some kind of insensitive asshole, but don’t look at me like I am, dammit. You all have fun, I’m signing off.
Traditional values = running your daughter over with car….
Tuesday, November 3rd, 2009A 20-year old woman is dead after being hit by a car. As stated in my previous post, I don’t write about people dying, but this one is just so damn bizarre I couldn’t leave it alone. The woman was a 20-year old of Iraqi descent. She and her family moved to America in the mid-1990s. Her father had become upset over the way she dressed, and her resistance to his rules. He believed she was becoming too westernized, abandoning traditional Iraqi values, so he ran her down with his car. He then fled to Mexico, leaving his car, and got on a plane to Britain. The Brits were kind enough to tell this asshole to turn around and get back to the US, where the law was waiting to put our cute western handcuffs on him.
Try to walk through this logic with me. The guy thought his daughter was forsaking Iraqi traditions and values, so he ran her over. With a car. He used a western creation to kill a “westernized” person. I’m sure he laughed at the irony all the way to Mexico. What the hell, man? The guy killed his own daughter for embracing a culture not his own? Well, I don’t usually tell other people how to handle their business, but just maybe, that is an “Iraqi tradition” that is best allowed to die? I don’t think that a little teenage rebellion (which is what appears to have brought down the wrath of Pops) should be punished by seeing if your daughter can outrun a car. Maybe that’s a myth he has about us western folks: we can outrun cars. If that’s what he really thinks, he is certainly misinformed. I can barely outrun my skateboard when it gets away from me; a car is completely out of the question. This guy is obviously crazy. There’s no question about that. I can understand wanting to still hold on to your traditions after you leave your home, but this is a level of insanity that is almost unbelievable. What the hell did he think was going to happen? Why the hell did he even bother moving here if he hates our culture so much? What did he think was going to happen to his daughter? He surrounded an impressionable child with a culture that he hates! Do the math, what do you think the outcome is going to be? I can’t think of a fitting punishment for this. I would say chase that asshole around with a car, but I don’t think that will do it justice. Wait, I figured it out. Make that asshole sit around a shopping mall wearing whatever the fashion trend is this week, listening to nothing but rock, rap, punk, metal, and the pop music I hate so much. Make him sit there and listen to all the material-obsessed youth traipse through there, speaking with the mental emptiness of a decapitated chicken. For the rest of his natural life. Is that torture? Maybe. But he deserves every last “LOL-OMG-FML”-ing minute of it. That’s it for now, Rev. is gonna go make poor decisions.
Umm, really? Did this actually happen?
Monday, October 26th, 2009A man in Virginia has been charged with indecent exposure for making coffee in his kitchen naked. The kitchen of the place that he has a legal right to be making coffee in. He was naked, making coffee in his own kitchen, and somebody was walking past with their kid and saw him making coffee in his kitchen. I just can’t get over this. This is ridiculous. I guess the moral of this story is that you are not allowed to be naked in your own home unless you are absolutely sure there is no one able to watch you.
So, it is a crime to be the victim of a voyeuristic act. Wow. I never thought that I would see the day where being naked in my own home may be a crime. I guess I will buy a bunch of cut-off shorts and wear them like underwear all day, every day, until I forget what my pecker actually looks like. Yeah, that is a much more healthy way to deal with this situation. The main thing I’m concerned about is how I’m going to get rid of my bodily waste, since I’m apparently not allowed to be naked in my own home? Or is there a bathroom clause in there somewhere, provided the bathroom has no windows and the door has a medium-grade security system on it? Perhaps they market some sort of intricate, pelvic plumbing system to remove the unwanted excrement while still preserving your non-nudity…. I wonder what they’re going to do about newborn babies, being that they are born naked, and since a woman’s uterus doesn’t seem to engineer Dungarees. It didn’t perform this function the last time I checked; although it’s been awhile since I was prenatal. I guess the new mothers are screwed as well, since a baby usually pops out of the woman’s vagina. I can’t imagine Roto-Rooter coming up with a device to extract a newborn from those tight-fitting Gap jeans; the poor kid will probably suffocate in there anyway.
Are you fucking kidding me? What the hell happened to this world? Since when is it okay for some asshole to look in on me while I may be doing God-knows-what in my birthday suit? Not just okay, but illegal on my part? How dumb is that? How in the name of almighty hell did this charge actually get filed? I am fairly confident that this charge will get thrown out. That’s not the point. The point is that some jackass actually called the police on a man making coffee naked IN HIS OWN KITCHEN!!! Unbelievable!! That makes about as much sense as filing charges against a woman for eating a hot dog, since it almost always looks sexy when they do. Or how about some pervert looking through a window and catching a mother breast-feeding her child? Is that mother going to get prosecuted too? By the looks of things, probably. That being said, I need to lie down before my head caves in. I think the neurons in my brain are leaking out my ears. Remind me to find a rusty spoon to remove my eyes with.
Coming soon to DeadEndPrint.com…Pretty, Pretty Pictures!!!
Wednesday, October 21st, 2009Okay folks, still riding my Red Bull high from five minutes ago. I am currently in the process of developing some artwork for these demented publishings of mine, and am probably going to put as much effort into it as I do writing the words that we used to call a healthy blend of English and profanity. Meaning, I’m going to fuck around with something until it looks good enough for passing. Be patient with the artwork; I am kind of a perfectionist. Yeah, I actually think about the shit I post, which is a little fucking scary, I know. Anyways, there is no timetable for any artwork. It is going to be on a whenever-the-fuck-I-get-it-done basis. Look for pretty pictures that will no doubt singe the tips of your retinas soon, along with the first documented image of the elusive pigeon-goat. The End…for another five minutes.
