I recently went on a road trip. The destination is currently irrelevant. We were heading east from Chicago, along the Indiana and Ohio turnpikes. We stopped at one of their nifty rest stops along the way. You know, the ones with the eight thousand restaurants, five gift shops and optional sunroof. There was a Fazoli’s kiosk in the joint, which we decided to visit. Fazoli’s, for those of you who don’t know, is an Italian fast-food sort of joint. For their combo meal options, they had a choice of a slice of pizza or a salad. I saw the salad choice and immediately became offended. My style of cooking consists of taking cholesterol and sauteing it in trans fats. For dessert, we have a stick of butter rolled in powdered sugar and covered in hot fudge. Seriously, fuck you, and fuck your salad! The health option has been completely obliterated for me. Enough is enough. Don’t offer me a fucking salad, asshole.
Archive for the ‘ Nutritio-philia ’ Category
Fuck Salad.
Thursday, November 26th, 2009Health nuts
Wednesday, October 7th, 2009According to genevalaw.com, green leafy foods are more dangerous than previously thought. It seems that E. Coli, Salmonella, and other dangerous bacteria are more prone to be found on leafy vegetables. Apparently there have been 363 outbreaks and several thousand illnesses caused by these leafy assassins. Damn, that sucks for me. Not really. I stick to a strict diet of meat and beer, but I have been known to eat salad once in a great while. Hell, I eat lettuce on my subs and hamburgers. I’m not really concerned with this “startling new evidence”; I smoke a pack of cigarettes per day. If I’m going to die from something, that’s probably going to be it.
When I titled this “Health nuts”, I mean that the health professionals have gone nuts. Jesus Christ, every time I turn around, they find another god-awful bacteria on some other stupid ass piece of food. Son of a bitch, I remember when eggs were good. For that matter, I remember when milk was good, cheese was not eye-balled to raise cholesterol, and before water was filtered. The health care industry has gone completely around the fucking bend here. I can see it now: “New research links water to breast cancer”. Shit, I might surf the web and find out that a fucking salad bar might cause impotence and anal leakage. Seriously, I don’t want to know what’s coming next. The health industry has already ruined cigarettes and red meat for me, not to mention my beloved trans-fats. Fuck all you health nuts. You guys could fuck up a wet dream, and you have fucked up my appetite. Suck my ass, bung-holes. I’m gonna get a steak, smear a bunch of Crisco on it, and then eat it. With a side of bacon.
