Just like that, it was gone.  I didn’t see it for nearly a month.  In retrospect, that was one of the most peaceful months of my life.  But, it would not last.  I started getting bombarded with requests to become a fan of this farce.  I stopped counting after the first two dozen.  I would like to think my friends would know me better than to suggest that to me, but apparently not.  This has led me to one conclusion: Lady Gaga is some kind of goat-demon, and must be stopped.

I had the unfortunate experience of actually hearing the song this refers to recently.  Good God, man.  That is worse than the song about all the girls standing in the line for the bathroom.  I can’t fault it for not making sense, because it is not words as I know them.  It is inane blather.  I don’t think that Lady Gaga is talented enough to come up with original gibberish, so I’m pretty sure she stole it from someone in a mental hospital, which I imagine she frequents.  If not of her own volition, then because it’s court-ordered.  If it is original, then I must congratulate all the fans of this song.  You have given up hope for anything meaningful in your lives, and no longer want to actually think about anything at all.  You want a song that sounds like it was written by a cheerleader strung out on heroin.  This is the saddest day in pop culture’s entire miserable existence.

Where the hell did she come from, and how the fuck do we send her back there?  Is is like some sort of demon-exorcism?  How did we get rid of Madonna?  Can we do that again?  Honestly, what the fuck did the rest of us do to deserve this?  This is a plague upon the land.  Here are some factoids that you should consider if you think I’m overreacting:

1.  When you play Lady Gaga’s music backwards, you can hear the first chapter of Dianetics by L. Ron Hubbard.  If that weren’t scary enough, here’s another.

2.  Every time you play a Lady Gaga song, a hungry alligator is fed.  With a live puppy.  So, if you like Lady Gaga’s music, you hate puppies.  What kind of sick bastard hates puppies?

So, before you chuck another helpless puppy into the gaping mouth of a starving alligator, think about what you’re doing, and remember the REAL Gaga Law:

I read this while standing in line at the supermarket.  It was on the cover of Us Weekly.  I’m not sure what’s worse; that the dead dog is the straw that broke the anorexic camel’s back, or that Us Weekly thinks that this is newsworthy.  Let’s start with the dead dog thing.

Apparently, she can’t lose weight.  Yeah, you can see the problem here.  She is obviously unhealthily obese, not smoking hot at all.  Wait, I think I got those flipped.  She is obviously smoking hot, not unhealthily obese.  Yeah, that makes more sense to me.  Is she shoveling down deep dish pizza and chasing it with buckets of Crisco?  I doubt it.  And she can’t stop crying.  Yeah, well, I don’t really have an answer for that one.  Pretend you’re Peter Pan and think happy thoughts, I guess.  Jesus, I lost pets too; hell, I had to give up my favorite dog when I was 13.  I got over it, and here’s the kicker: it only took a couple of days. Tell me an adult has more emotional capabilities than a 13-year old.  Please.  Fuck, recently I buried my best friend from growing up.  Maybe it was easier on me because he didn’t get killed by a coyote.  No, he just fell down some stairs sleepwalking, leaving behind a wonderful wife and child.  If that’s not a reason to go into a self-destructive, downward spiral, I don’t know what is.  I don’t doubt this is hard on the poor girl; I would suggest drying her eyes on a one-hundred dollar bill.  Damn.  Just damn.

Now, I point my verbal rifle at Us Weekly.  Are you people fucking serious?  Find something better to report on.  Honestly, isn’t there some celebrity somewhere who killed a hooker somewhere that you can bother?  At least that would be somewhat entertaining to me.  Jesus Christ, how badly must it suck to work for you?  Do your intestines open up a little more each time you cash a paycheck?  Just the thought of possibly earning one cent from you people makes me want to gouge my eyes out with a rusty spoon.  If there is one thing I hate more than the bitchy, little complaints of celebrities, it’s the people who work their asses off to report their bitchy, little annoyances.  Use your magazines for the only possible use that they will ever come to: use them as kindling to burn your building the fuck down.  For good measure, drive stakes through the hearts of the board of directors, in order to ensure their undead excuses for souls do not survive the inferno.

Yeah, the Us Weekly thing pisses me off the most.  Congrats, assholes.  You are the biggest pain in my ass at the moment.  Well done.

You want genius?  John Lennon, Bob Dylan, Robert Plant, Harry Chapin, Cat Stevens, Gordon Lightfoot, I could go on and on.  These are true artists, true musicians, not guys just taking recycled beats and throwing as many slang terms into the song as they can fit into a four minute time slot.  They played instruments, not drum machines.  They are legends, Kanye is just another flash in the pop culture pan.  These guys are still remembered and influence what few great musicians that we have recording today.  Kanye influences those who are influenced by only money and what is cool this week.  I have to hand it to him though, I enjoy watching women dance like strippers to his tunes; nobody gets naked to Hurricane or Stairway to Heaven, at least not anymore.

But what really pisses me off about Kanye right now is this incident involving one of Kanye West’s many acts of jack-assery.  The man walked on stage during the MTV Video-Music awards during Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech for best video, stole the microphone and proclaimed that Beyonce’s video was better.  What a fucking asshole.  Now, I have no real ties to pop culture, in fact I think it’s all a bunch of horse shit.  That being said, I am not a Taylor Swift fan (I like parts of her, but her music is not one of them), nor I am a Beyonce fan (same rules apply), but goddamn.  To Kanye West: Nobody in their right minds gives one rat’s ass what you think, let alone pointless subjects such as the winner or should-be winner of a VMA.  The only thing you took a stand against is a mass of easily-led people who have given up most of their ability to think for themselves.  The only time you aren’t a fan of pop culture is when it does not bend to your will.  Get over yourself already.  Though tragic, I am sure, your grief over your mother’s death (as I have heard from a few places) is not the cause for this ridiculous display.  I should hope you can find a better way to mourn her than by acting like a dumb-ass at an awards ceremony, particularly in a category that you are not even remotely involved in. Do not misunderstand me, I am not trying to bring your mother into this.  That would be completely irrelevant, not to mention completely tasteless.   Sincerely, DeadEndPrint.com

Now, honestly, the next time I hear that Kanye West is a genius, lyrical voice of a generation, or any other over-exalting title, blood may come pouring from my ears.  The man has been recorded as saying something to the effect of, “The only regret I have about my career is not being able to watch myself perform live.”  I can’t find the exact quote, but I assure you, that was at least the gist of it.  Lyrics such as, “I ain’t sayin’ she’s a gold digga,  but she ain’t messin’ with a broke nigga,” are just downright mindless.  The rest of the song clearly states that yes, she is in fact, a gold digger, but it’s cool, because he has money.  High five, dude.  You like money, you have money.  We get it, and we don’t care.

Seriously, is this giant ego-thing he has going on just a publicity stunt, or is he really stone-cold fucking nuts?  What the fuck is going on here?  What the fuck is it going to take to get this man’s ego back in check?  Surely it’s not going to be some insignificant prick (i.e. me) blasting him on a blog, but fucking seriously!!!  Kanye!!!!  Get your shit together!!!!  GET THE FUCK OVER YOUSELF!!!!!  YOU ARE NOWHERE NEAR AS IMPORTANT AS YOU THINK YOU ARE!!!!!  You can ask yourself that if you aren’t as important as I think, then why am I writing a blog about you?  Because you are a dumb ass.  I can’t be kind about this.  I hold Beavis and Butthead in higher esteem than I hold you, and that’s all I have to say.  This may seem harsh to some of you reading this, but I don’t care.  This is the way I see it.  You hate this?  Fix it; shut me up.  Don’t feed me any more shit to write about.