Tiger Woods is easily one of the most recognizable athletes on the planet.  He has more money than white blood cells, and a supermodel wife.  The guy has more endorsement deals than the U.S has bankrupt corporations.  He has risen to the top of his “sport”, and there is no one who can routinely compete with him.  Now, he can barely walk down the street without bumping into some girl he slept with.  He is apparently about to be divorced, and is losing some of his fat-ass endorsement deals.  I look at his life, and all that has happened to him in the last couple of weeks, and I have come to a conclusion: I must become the next great professional golfer.  I am single with no kids, so it wouldn’t matter how many women came forth claiming that I laid their sweet bodies down by the fire.  I don’t have a family to destroy, so fornication not quite morally reprehensible; it just makes me a skank, and I’m okay with that.  Women could literally be coming out of kitchen cabinets, falling from the sky, climbing out of dumpsters, etc.  They could all claim that I slept with them, and that would be just dandy, provided I don’t pick up something from the venereal disease menu.  I enjoy not having herpes, and I’d like to continue enjoying that.  But honestly, I never thought I would see the day when a professional golfer would get more ass than Mick Jagger.  It absolutely confounds me.  I am more perplexed than when I saw Howl’s Moving Castle.  That movie was confusing as hell.  Don’t ask me what possessed me to watch an anime movie.  I was being a wing man for my best friend, and the chick he was trying to violate with his weiner date at the time wanted to see it.  That movie has the most confusing ending I have ever seen.  it had storylines being concluded that I didn’t even remember them setting up in the movie.  Shit was literally coming out of left field.  I needed binoculars to see where some of this shit came from, and I still couldn’t see where they were bringing this shit in.  Much like Tiger’s garrison of vaginal temptresses.  You need a fucking cruise ship to fit them all on.  At least a party bus.  And let me tell you, a bunch of horny hot women loaded on a bus?  Sign me the hell up.

This was a commercial for some dumb-ass company a number of months ago.  You remember the one where Lebron has a dream sequence where he actually plays for the Browns?  I do.  My head hurts thinking about it, but I do remember it.  I thought Cleveland sports hit rock bottom with Rick Vaughn Bobble-head night.  For those of you who don’t know, Rick Vaughn is a fictional character from the movie Major League, a film depicting the underdog Cleveland Indians as they rise through the ranks as their Cinderella season unfolds.  Point being, Cleveland baseball doesn’t have enough REAL sports heroes to immortalize in trinkets for 11 home games, so they use imaginary ones.  Seriously.  I visited Cleveland over the summer, and was present at the Indians-Tigers game, where they handed out Victor Martinez Bobble-heads.  This game took place the day after the Indians traded him to Boston.  Cleveland is the parody of a city.  It’s just by the grace of God they have sunlight.  But back to Lebron playing football.  What this means is that Eric Mangini saw a bad commercial, thought to himself, “We can’t get any worse,” and actually entertained the thought of bringing a fucking basketball star into a football game.  I couldn’t make this up!  I wish to hell I could!  I would be the greatest fiction writer in all the land, and I wouldn’t have to settle for this bullshit called a blog.  But Jesus, Lebron is going to get his neck broken.  I’m conflicted.  I don’t really want him to die, but I do want to see him make an ass of himself.  I never thought that not even one year after the Lions went 0-16 that ANY team would take their cellar seat so quickly, but if anyone can do it, it’s Cleveland.  Lebron James is the Harvey Dent of Cleveland.  That city has pinned all its hopes on him, and if he fails, Cleveland falls.  it is literally just so sad, I don’t think that it’s fair to go on anymore.  But I shall.  This whole thing was sparked by a comment that Lebron made to the Associated Press, claiming that he was high as hell COULD ACTUALLY HELP the Browns.  How fucking dumb is that?  I truly believe that Lebron James’s biggest fan is Lebron James.  He is the Kanye West of the professional sports world.  Ouch.  That has to suck.  I don’t really know what else to say here, so I’m getting out of here.

Regards,

The Reverend

Seriously, Andre?  Crystal meth, man?  Why?  You were such a good boy!  I would have expected this out of McEnroe, but not you!!  You know the only thing that brings me comfort out of this situation?  It’s tennis, so nobody cares.

But Crabtree signing this late in the season has hurt him  Not only has he missed out on one fourth of the season’s pay, he has lost much-needed time in the NFL, working with his team and getting some big-league experience.  I wonder what kind of shape he’s in.  I doubt that he would be in peak condition; he hasn’t been practicing with the team, so his physical conditioning most likely falls short of what Mike Singletary expects of his players.  This should be fun to watch in the coming weeks.  That’s right, more fun than pole dancer with vertigo.  I may laugh, I may cry, I may throw up, who knows.  Don’t worry though, I’ll let you know what happens when.