Archive for the ‘ Unentertainment ’ Category

Damn you all

Friday, October 2nd, 2009

For two days, I have been surfing various sites trying to find something to gripe about, but have come up empty.  The human race is a fucking disappointment, even more so than usual.  God damn, what in the hell happened to you people?  I used to be able to find something I could bitch about and rip on, but you motherfuckers haven’t done anything stupid lately!  Do you know how frustrating this is for me?  I can’t write about something unless it’s stupid and I can make fun of it!  If you ask me why I don’t just write about something that doesn’t cause my blood pressure to spike to dangerous levels, then you are a piece of shit and should never, EVER, reproduce.  I can’t write about just anything; it has to be fucking idiotic!  I have to be able to make it seem even dumber than it is on its own!  I have no reason to write without stupidity!  I plead to the human race, DO SOMETHING DUMB!!!!  FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, FUCK SOMETHING UP!!!!  I AM SO FUCKING BORED!!!!  FIX IT!!!!  NOW!!!!  MY CHEST ACTUALLY HURTS!!!!  I THINK I’M HAVING A STROKE OR SOMETHING!!!!!  HELP ME!!!!!  BE IDIOTS!!!!  GIVE ME A CHANCE!!!!  THERE IS NO WAY THAT AFTER 8 POSTS THAT ONLY A HANDFUL OF PEOPLE READ, THAT THE HUMAN RACE HAS REDEEMED ITSELF FROM THE DEPTHS  OF MY LOATHING!!!!!  WHAT THE FUCK, PEOPLE??  I BEG YOU, GO SAY STUPID THINGS TO PEOPLE WITH CAMERAS AND MICROPHONES!!!!!!  GET DRUNK IF YOU HAVE TO!!!  Jesus Christ, it’s getting dark in here….

This paragraph has been written several hours after the first one; it took quite some time to regain consciousness, and I’m still a little light-headed.  Seriously, I define my existence through watching other people make complete asses of themselves, and get high from bitching about it.  I need my drug, dammit.  I need to bitch about something.  It’s not that hard to fuck something up.  Please, just do it.  Where the hell is Lindsay Lohan or Paris Hilton when I actually need them for legitimate interests, not ones that would be, well let’s call them unconventional.  Seriously, the human race has to be more interesting than this.  This is bullshit; I’m going drinking.

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Not enough Tylenol in the world

Wednesday, September 30th, 2009

My head hurts.  My brain has turned malignant against my eyes, and I think my hair may be growing inward on my scalp.  Apparently it is now worthy to mention the sex life (or lack thereof) regarding two supposed reality TV stars.  I highly doubt they are stars; I just heard of them about ten minutes ago surfing CNN.com.  Apparently, there are people in the world known as Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag, and they got married earlier this year; many happy returns.  Spencer tells CNN (Fuck only knows why they are listening) that he and is gorgeous wife aren’t having sex.  You may ask why?  He doesn’t want her to get pregnant.  Dude, did your balls fall off?  Of course, I can think of few people less suited for parenthood than the two of you, but damn….  I can’t imagine denying a hot woman such as Heidi Montag ( upon discovering her existence and potential hot-ness, I did research the woman, and she is fucking drop-dead gorgeous) sex.  Hell, my brain shuts down just contemplating it.

He goes on to attack another hot reality TV personality, Lauren Conrad (whom I also like parts of), saying that she only quit her excuse for a TV show to get more money, and was jealous that Speidi, as I believe it’s called, was gaining more popularity than her show.  So, they are arguing over who can garner more hopeless viewers into watching their sad lives where they deal with problems that no one in their right mind gives a shit about.

Spencer, you are a pussy.  I honestly think this is some kind of desperate media ploy to raise your own fucking ratings. If so, then you are just pathetic.  If you ask why I’m writing abut you if I think you are so pathetic and insignificant (and I do), two reasons. 1.  Sheer boredom and 2.  Hopefully by writing down the shit that pisses me off, it will escape my brain, and this acute headache that started as soon as I read that shit on CNN.com will go away.

Heidi, if he won’t fuck you, I will!!!  Chicago, babe.  That’s where it’s at.

Same goes for you, Lauren.

CNN, do you remember the days of respectable journalism?  Think back, but make sure you take plenty of rest breaks, and keep some Midol handy for any cramps, but I think you might get there in a month or so.  Why in the fuck are you reporting on this crap?  The only thing you’ve accomplished is getting me all pissed off.  Why the hell do I want or need to hear about some douche bag who has a hot wife that he’s NOT sleeping with?  That’s like having the cure for cancer and not using it!!!  What the fuck good does that do in the world?  You guys are assholes.

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