I was helping a friend move a piano recently. As we tried to move the mammoth, we tilted, lifted, rolled, whatever the hell it took to get it down the stairs and out the door. Now, the piano is the most extreme object I’ve had to move, but you go through the same shit trying to get a couch through the door, or kitchen table, whatever. It occurred to me, especially when moving the piano, that moving pieces of furniture in and out of buildings is like one of those puzzles in one of the Saw movies. You know, you need to solve the puzzle or you die. Fucking ridiculous, man. Moving this piano was literally a stupid fucking puzzle that would kill us if we didn’t do it right. Especially when the anchor man was getting run over by the piano. Seriously, this poor guy was about two inches from going down with the ship and becoming a Thanksgiving pancake. Luckily, he survived, and we didn’t need to clean him up with a mop. Happy Thanksgiving, you didn’t die moving a piano.
Archive for the ‘ What the fuck? ’ Category
Moving pianos and shit
Thursday, November 26th, 2009Sex causes amnesia?
Wednesday, November 4th, 2009There is a couple who had sex back in 2008. I know, I was shocked too. Seriously, they had sex. Cool, huh? Alright, enough. Stop laughing perverts. Well, they had sex, and the woman got amnesia from it. That’s the funny part. She knew who she was, but she didn’t know what day it was, how she got where she was, who the president was (granted it was 2008, so I would like to have forgotten that too), or anything. She lay in a hospital bed, cracking the same jokes over and over. According to research, she suffered from from something called transient global amnesia, or TGA. The woman recalled having a headache the night before, and after that, “apparently, the next morning, [her] husband and [she] had intercourse. From what [she] found out, there was an orgasm.” No shit. That’s usually what happens when you have sex. Somebody usually has an orgasm. At least what it said in my fifth grade science book.
Okay, as far as amnesia after sex goes, that dude is a god. If I were him, I would feel like a freaking bad-ass! That is ridiculous. Holy crap! That’s is talent! For the single guys out there, I can;t imagine a greater gift than getting freaky with a woman, and then forgetting all about you. You wouldn’t have to do that whole awkward thing if you never want to see her again. You know what I’m talking about. When you see her at a bar and are praying to any deity who will listen that she won’t notice you, but does, and you have to do that, “Oh, hey…,” and play it off. Damn, that sucks.
Honestly, sex after amnesia is pretty common among males. After sex, we forget that the woman is still in bed. We forget that we wanted anything from her, we forget that we even had a conversation. Sometimes, we forget her name! Don’t look at me like that, it has happened to almost every guy out there, so don’t look at me like I’m some kind of insensitive asshole. I know I am some kind of insensitive asshole, but don’t look at me like I am, dammit. You all have fun, I’m signing off.
These guys are really dumb….
Thursday, October 29th, 2009This is a good one. There are two jackasses in Iowa who tried to break into somebody’s house. That’s not all. They were arrested. There’s more. When they were arrested, they still had their “disguises” on. You know what their disguises were? They hastily colored their faces with black magic marker. I’m not making this up. I haven’t done the required drugs to come up with this crap. What the hell were they thinking? Who in their right minds thinks that’s a good idea? These kids are my age for God’s sake. They make me ashamed of my generation. These two offend my sense of human decency!! These people are just so damn stupid! I’ve got their mugshots, and posted them here.
See? I told you. What the hell is going on here? They should have wrapped their heads in plastic wrap before breaking in; the effect would have been the same. They would have been identified just as easily, the only difference is that they might have suffocated. I’m not too sure that would have been a bad thing. These two are individuals who should never, under any circumstance, procreate. I would sooner accept the extinction of the human race, rather than let the surviving humans be sired by these fucking imbeciles. Seriously, where the hell did the Iowa school system go wrong with these two? I am confident that I will never take residence in Iowa, let alone raise children there. I would not subject my offspring to anything remotely similar to what happened to the goddamn martians. What I am wondering is, who is responsible for the existence of these two fools? How the hell did two pairs of humans manage to raise these idiots? The only pairing imaginable that I could see producing such nincompoops would be some kind of mentally challenged baboon mating with a low-level fungus. The only thing left to say? Damn. Just damn. That’s it for me, dudes. I’m getting out of here before I have a stroke.
“This is why we should hate kids,” – Moe Sizlak
Monday, October 5th, 2009I came across something on failblog.com recently. I read it once, and immediately went to the nearest hospital for a CT-scan. That’s right; I thought I grew a tumor. I tracked down the source of the this shit; the link is posted below.
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090611123224AAUv41T&cp=2
Apparently, this whole thing was a joke. So be it. There are some responses that pissed me off beyond recompense, like this one from some pathetic nerd:
thanks for insulting all us nerds. lol! 
i think people think cheerleaders are stupid cuz of all the stereotypes you see in movies. you know, blonde=stupid. not that they’re all blonde, they just assume. also, most people stereotype them as materialistic and superficial. and one question for you cuz you insulted nerds (even though you were kidding) if your so smart, then why did you end all your questions with periods? lol, jk
Dude, I know she was joking, but if she wasn’t, then she just ripped your kind (albeit she made herself look like a complete jackass with less brain activity that a coma patient) a new asshole. Why the fuck are you being all sweet with your “lol”s and “jk”s, and trying to actually answer a dumb fucking question? GROW A PAIR OF BALLS!!!! Furthermore, if you knew she was kidding, why the fuck did you even bother to write back? How dumb are you?
Take your time to read this, but only after swallowing a good amount of booze. You will see why we should not necessarily hate kids, but hate where the hell our youth culture is heading. Everyone is to blame (except for me, of course). From the popular clothing labels and music, all the way to the so-called independent scene. All these motherfuckers who associate a person’s social status by how they dress and what music they listen to. This goddamn labeling system that we have going on is completely bullshit. All is does is promote segregation among our kids and lead to more social ignorance. Wake the fuck up, people. Then wake your kids up, and make sure they are actually awake, not just in some kind of vegetative state, which is apparently how they absorb most of their education. Either that, or you can let your kids continue down a pathetic path of moronic stereotyping. If you choose the latter, you can comfort yourself in the knowledge that MTV will always be on the air, and you can watch stupid-ass TV shows until your head implodes. Or until you realize you are, in fact, a moron and off yourself, whichever comes first.
Tyrannosaurus Rex for sale
Sunday, October 4th, 2009Apparently, there is a skeleton of a Tyrannosaurus Rex going up for auction in Las Vegas. That’s awesome. But there’s one problem: auctions are unpredictable, and dinosaurs are expensive. I don’t know what to say there. That was in the article. Those were the words that butchered my eyeballs. Dinosaurs are expensive? Really? No shit. The average dinosaur is around 65 million years old, dead and mostly decomposed. I know they are expensive, you fucking morons! You know what tipped me off? I DON’T KNOW ANYBODY WHO OWNS THEIR OWN DINOSAUR SKELETON!!!! I’VE NEVER HEARD OF ANY PERSON, NOT EVEN A CELEBRITY OR REALLY RICH ASSHOLE WHO OWNS ONE!!!!
But seriously, who wouldn’t want their own Tyrannosaur skeleton? If I had the funds, I would jump all over that shit. Never mind where I would keep it, I would love to have my own dead dinosaur. That would be awesome! It would be the greatest pet in the entire world! I would never have to feed it or clean up its gigantic poop piles, because it’s dead! It doesn’t eat or poop! I would put a couch underneath it, and drink beer and watch TV underneath a Tyrannosaurus Rex. It would be the greatest living room piece in the history of man. The greatest ever. Martha Stewart can kiss my ass. Or the remains of my dead dinosaur’s ass.
I just can’t get over the idea of owning a dinosaur skeleton. I want one really badly. I now have a reason to get filthy stinking rich: So I can afford to buy a Tyrannosaurus Rex skeleton. That would kick ass. That is my dream in life.
Thank you Michael Schulder
Friday, October 2nd, 2009I would first like to thank Michael Schulder for putting an end to the jack-ass drought that plagued me for the last couple of days. Your little post about answering a phone call in the men’s room has renewed my strength.  Michael Schulder is, according to CNN.com, an executive producer, and believes that we are crossing lines when answering phones whilst relieving ourselves.
This is all you have to write about, you SHITHEAD? Jesus Christ, there are so many things that could happen in a men’s room that I would hold in much worse esteem (the whole glory-hole, toe-tapping thing, for one), but in the name of fuck, why in the hell do you take such offense for a call being answered in the men’s room, and then write about it on your fucking blog? Yeah, I’m not a big fan of talking to someone while they are pinching one off, but goddamn, at least they aren’t jacking off or something. That would really disturb me. Fuck, man, find something better to write about, asshole. Don’t come over to my internet with your pathetic little complaints. Take a lesson from me (I am a professional complainer) and find something more pointless to bitch about. Nobody really cares about cell phone vs. bathroom etiquette. Granted, nobody really cares about most of what I bitch about, but let’s pretend they do. That would make my point more valid. I am great, you suck, end of fucking story, and kiss my paste-like ass.
Damn you all
Friday, October 2nd, 2009For two days, I have been surfing various sites trying to find something to gripe about, but have come up empty. The human race is a fucking disappointment, even more so than usual. God damn, what in the hell happened to you people? I used to be able to find something I could bitch about and rip on, but you motherfuckers haven’t done anything stupid lately! Do you know how frustrating this is for me? I can’t write about something unless it’s stupid and I can make fun of it! If you ask me why I don’t just write about something that doesn’t cause my blood pressure to spike to dangerous levels, then you are a piece of shit and should never, EVER, reproduce. I can’t write about just anything; it has to be fucking idiotic! I have to be able to make it seem even dumber than it is on its own! I have no reason to write without stupidity! I plead to the human race, DO SOMETHING DUMB!!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, FUCK SOMETHING UP!!!! I AM SO FUCKING BORED!!!! FIX IT!!!! NOW!!!! MY CHEST ACTUALLY HURTS!!!! I THINK I’M HAVING A STROKE OR SOMETHING!!!!! HELP ME!!!!! BE IDIOTS!!!! GIVE ME A CHANCE!!!! THERE IS NO WAY THAT AFTER 8 POSTS THAT ONLY A HANDFUL OF PEOPLE READ, THAT THE HUMAN RACE HAS REDEEMED ITSELF FROM THE DEPTHS OF MY LOATHING!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK, PEOPLE?? I BEG YOU, GO SAY STUPID THINGS TO PEOPLE WITH CAMERAS AND MICROPHONES!!!!!! GET DRUNK IF YOU HAVE TO!!! Jesus Christ, it’s getting dark in here….
This paragraph has been written several hours after the first one; it took quite some time to regain consciousness, and I’m still a little light-headed. Seriously, I define my existence through watching other people make complete asses of themselves, and get high from bitching about it. I need my drug, dammit. I need to bitch about something. It’s not that hard to fuck something up. Please, just do it. Where the hell is Lindsay Lohan or Paris Hilton when I actually need them for legitimate interests, not ones that would be, well let’s call them unconventional. Seriously, the human race has to be more interesting than this. This is bullshit; I’m going drinking.
Ain’t no sex in the champagne…errr…dorm room
Tuesday, September 29th, 2009Tufts University has issued a ban on sex in a dorm room while the other roommate is there. Wow. Just saying that sentence out loud makes my asthma symptoms flare up, and I don’t even have asthma. What the fuck are they thinking? At what point did the powers that be sit down and say, “We have a major problem with students fucking in their dorms while their roommates are there, and if we don’t stop it, the college will collapse upon itself,”? Furthermore, some jack-ass was seen on CNN saying how he thinks it’s a good thing, and it’s a step in the right direction, like it’s some fucking major political issue!!! Somehow, if Tufts University could stop people from fucking for an audience, then the racial issues in this country would disappear, and health care would be flawless!! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE???? How is this a step in any direction other than an exercise in dumb-ass futility? Why in the fuck is it so important to crusade against fucking for a goddamn audience? How is the value of only fornicating behind closed doors going to help us as a nation? WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING HERE? WHO THE FUCK SEES IT AS SUCH AN IMPORTANT ISSUE TO SHOW THE REST OF THE WORLD THAT WE ARE A WHOLESOME PEOPLE WHO ONLY ENGAGE IN SEXUAL CONGRESS WHEN WE ARE SURE NOBODY’S WATCHING? Honestly, is the next step going to be that we can’t have sex unless we seal ourselves in a bomb shelter and go through a rigorous checklist to ensure our privacy? That’s too much effort to get laid.
We all know you don’t just start screwing in front of people who aren’t screwing, especially if they haven’t screwed in awhile, because when they see you screwing, they get pissed off. They haven’t screwed anything (except themselves) in awhile, and then they see you screwing, and they start to hate you for it. They may sit there calmly and just let you do your thing, but in their mind, they are picturing you being high-fived by Osama Bin Laden while you sport a new found love for devil-horns, Hitler’s mustache, and L. Ron Hubbard books. Besides, if youre going to fuck in front of someone who’s hard up for a lay, you’re just an asshole. Come on, man. Don’t be that guy.
Now, there has been a long- upheld tradition of the tie-on-the-doorknob in college. Let me translate for you. If you come home one night, and there is a tie on the doorknob (hence the name), then your roommate is in there, and they are fucking around with somebody, and you should fuck off for awhile. One of the main rules of friendship is that you never get in the way of your friend’s pursuit of that sweet ass. In fact, you should help you friend to the best of your ability.
Alright, jackass from CNN’s report, your ass is going down. You are…you know what, you’re too easy. I’m not going to go through the few seconds of video I saw of you and systematically destroy your self esteem, because my heart just isn’t in it. I would be going through the motions, and I owe whoever stumbles across this site higher quality than anything you have to give me. Just do me a favor: GET LAID!!!!!! God damn son, get laid and relax for fuck’s sake.
