First off, I don’t give two shits about the Cleveland Browns. I am a die-hard Cincinnati Bengals fan. If anyone questions that, I grew up in Cincinnati, and watched them throughout the 1990s. I am not a fan just because they kick ass now (and believe me, they do). The Cleveland Browns are the worst team in the NFL. Brady Quinn still sucks. Eric Mangini must have a standing order with a liquor supplier in the neighborhood. I mean, he needs something to make this season less bitter. The Cleveland Browns football team is like one of those cheesy motivational improv-groups that go around to middle school and try to keep kids off drugs. They are supposed to perform some kind of function, but you cannot figure out what that function is, no matter how hard you try. It is really just sad. But the news that got my jollies today was Eric Mangini telling Lebron James, if he wanted to play for the Browns, that Mangini would have a jersey for him.
This was a commercial for some dumb-ass company a number of months ago. You remember the one where Lebron has a dream sequence where he actually plays for the Browns? I do. My head hurts thinking about it, but I do remember it. I thought Cleveland sports hit rock bottom with Rick Vaughn Bobble-head night. For those of you who don’t know, Rick Vaughn is a fictional character from the movie Major League, a film depicting the underdog Cleveland Indians as they rise through the ranks as their Cinderella season unfolds. Point being, Cleveland baseball doesn’t have enough REAL sports heroes to immortalize in trinkets for 11 home games, so they use imaginary ones. Seriously. I visited Cleveland over the summer, and was present at the Indians-Tigers game, where they handed out Victor Martinez Bobble-heads. This game took place the day after the Indians traded him to Boston. Cleveland is the parody of a city. It’s just by the grace of God they have sunlight. But back to Lebron playing football. What this means is that Eric Mangini saw a bad commercial, thought to himself, “We can’t get any worse,” and actually entertained the thought of bringing a fucking basketball star into a football game. I couldn’t make this up! I wish to hell I could! I would be the greatest fiction writer in all the land, and I wouldn’t have to settle for this bullshit called a blog. But Jesus, Lebron is going to get his neck broken. I’m conflicted. I don’t really want him to die, but I do want to see him make an ass of himself. I never thought that not even one year after the Lions went 0-16 that ANY team would take their cellar seat so quickly, but if anyone can do it, it’s Cleveland. Lebron James is the Harvey Dent of Cleveland. That city has pinned all its hopes on him, and if he fails, Cleveland falls. it is literally just so sad, I don’t think that it’s fair to go on anymore. But I shall. This whole thing was sparked by a comment that Lebron made to the Associated Press, claiming that he was high as hell COULD ACTUALLY HELP the Browns. How fucking dumb is that? I truly believe that Lebron James’s biggest fan is Lebron James. He is the Kanye West of the professional sports world. Ouch. That has to suck. I don’t really know what else to say here, so I’m getting out of here.
Regards,
The Reverend
